obsessive compulsive disorder #3 What my mornings are like.

I wake up. I tell myself today is going to be a good day. I have to convince myself that every single morning. I have taught my brain to think of a good day as soon as I wake up, but the thoughts that follow I cant quite control. I give myself that sense of being calm for .2 seconds before my OCD takes over. Today is going to be a good day. But, what about your dad? He isnt going to be ok today, hes going to lose his battle with addiction. What about your nieces and nephew? Today your going to get a phone call that one of them are dead. What about your gf? Shes going to finally see all the demons hiding in your mind. Shes going to leave you today, I am sure of it. No more intrusive thoughts please, I havent even gotten out of bed yet. How am I supposed to be happy today with so much fear instilled all the time? Ok, you can do this. Today WILL BE a good day! I get out of bed and start to get ready. Did you wash your hands yet? You need to, right now. Your hands are dirty and they need clean. Ok, clean. Today is going to be a good day. I get dressed, take my dog outside for his walk. Everythings ok. I am going to have a good day. But wait. Do I take my dog on long enough walks? Do I love on him enough? Play with him enough? What if he died today? I dont want to lose him. Hes going to die today. No, hes fine. Today is going to be a good day. Almost done with the walk. My arm feels itchy, but I ALWAYS feel itchy. Its nothing. I look down and a bug is crawling up my arm. NO! I get it off but theres no way thats the only one. After all, I feel itchy all the time so how do I know what is real and whats not? Well, time for shower #1 of the day even though my make up and hair is already done. Youre ok. Youre breathing isnt getting harder yet so youre ok. Just shower and everything will be ok. You will be clean and no bugs will be on you. I get in the shower, let the steaming hot water run down my body. Today will be a good day. It has to be!