obsessive compulsive disorder #1

"Mommy, are you mad at me?" I was 12 years old and that was probably the millionth time I had asked her that question in my life. Sometimes the responses were sweet and compassionate. "No sweetheart, why would I be?" other times she would just roll her eyes and tell me to stop asking that question or she WOULD get mad at me. But I couldnt stop. No matter where we were, what time of day it was or what we were doing, I had to ask. "Are you mad at me?" Why did I always feel the need to make sure my mom (or anyone I loved) wasnt upset with me? I have asked myself that question so many times in the past 22 years. Why cant you just stop caring if they are upset? Why? It's because I am terrified that if I dont ask, I'll know the answer. Yes. Yes everyone is mad at me. Yes. Yes everyone is upset with me. Yes. Yes everyone is going to leave me because of who I am. I ask if people are mad because why wouldnt they be? They have to live with a burden. A crazy person, a person who has someone else occupying their brain. How could anyone not be mad at me? how could anyone actually love me? these are the questions this person living in my brain asks. This person living in my brain makes me the person I dont want to be. I want to be a person who loves themself. But I cant because I suffer from an anxiety disorder called OCD.

Returning and this time I won't leave

Update on my life: I have been living in fl with my gf for almost 3 years. She's graduating college in less than a month and I own a dog sitting business. I'm happy. I'm more happy than I knew I could be. 

I'm back

I have really been slacking with my blog. Basically just wanted to fill everyone in on my life right now. I am currently living with my parents in WV but I am moving to FL at the end of the month to go to massage therapy school and live with my girlfriend. This decision to move has not made any one really happy other than my girl friend and myself. I thought I was going to go to college to be a journalist. Many factors led to me leaving college after one year. Gay bashing, my adhd, my anxiety, personal problems, and difficulty level. I do not regret one second of that year though. Through my first year of college I found myself as a person and a proud lesbian. I found friendships that will last a lifetime. I made memories. I found my true love. I had a year to explore everything that is out there. I liked what was out there. After another year of not living with my parents but also not going to school I realized how hard it is. But I still loved every moment of it. I had to make a plan. I wrecked my car and lost my job. Ever since my girlfriend moved to Florida in August I have felt like a piece of me is missing. The distance was tough and the only thing keeping me from true happiness. I had a few careers bouncing around in my head for months. The main two were Real estate agent or massage therapist. I decided I needed a career and that I would also continue my passion of writing on the side. There is a great school in FL for massage therapy. I made my mind up. And now I am just blindly following a road that I hope will end in happiness.

Truth is we were best friends, you were always confused, I knew what I wanted and that was you. Now you know but your not with me. This is something you might not even read.

Living young, wild, and free.

Sometimes I think people my age don't realize how young we really are. The most important thing to someone at 18, 19 should be their future. I feel I am the only one that sees that. Stop worrying about making someone your boyfriend/girlfriend. Stop crying over little things that in a year or so don't matter. This is your prime time. Be a little selfish and do what makes you happy and what is going to be best for your future what ever that may be.

Been a while

So, I have not blogged in almost 2 years. I find this incredibly concerning. I am working on my first year of college and so many interesting things have happened over the months that I should have shared. My mom is my own personal blog but she urged me to start writing again. I mean it is my passion right? So I am going to put at least one new blog up every week and hopefully the frequency of that changes. Lets see. :)

Words aren’t supposed to hurt right? Well first hand seeing a heart being broken to pieces by just a few words is powerful and eye opening. Think before you call names. Your words might be the last thing someone hears before they decide life isn’t worth living anymore.