obsessive compulsive disorder #3 What my mornings are like.

I wake up. I tell myself today is going to be a good day. I have to convince myself that every single morning. I have taught my brain to think of a good day as soon as I wake up, but the thoughts that follow I cant quite control. I give myself that sense of being calm for .2 seconds before my OCD takes over. Today is going to be a good day. But, what about your dad? He isnt going to be ok today, hes going to lose his battle with addiction. What about your nieces and nephew? Today your going to get a phone call that one of them are dead. What about your gf? Shes going to finally see all the demons hiding in your mind. Shes going to leave you today, I am sure of it. No more intrusive thoughts please, I havent even gotten out of bed yet. How am I supposed to be happy today with so much fear instilled all the time? Ok, you can do this. Today WILL BE a good day! I get out of bed and start to get ready. Did you wash your hands yet? You need to, right now. Your hands are dirty and they need clean. Ok, clean. Today is going to be a good day. I get dressed, take my dog outside for his walk. Everythings ok. I am going to have a good day. But wait. Do I take my dog on long enough walks? Do I love on him enough? Play with him enough? What if he died today? I dont want to lose him. Hes going to die today. No, hes fine. Today is going to be a good day. Almost done with the walk. My arm feels itchy, but I ALWAYS feel itchy. Its nothing. I look down and a bug is crawling up my arm. NO! I get it off but theres no way thats the only one. After all, I feel itchy all the time so how do I know what is real and whats not? Well, time for shower #1 of the day even though my make up and hair is already done. Youre ok. Youre breathing isnt getting harder yet so youre ok. Just shower and everything will be ok. You will be clean and no bugs will be on you. I get in the shower, let the steaming hot water run down my body. Today will be a good day. It has to be!

obsessive compulsive disorder #2

I HATE this feeling! My chest is tight, there's a lump in my throat and the air around me is getting thin. Panic attacks are terrifying. OCD is not an easy thing to live with. I am currently crying my eyes out over GROUND BEEF. Yes, ground beef. I have fears of germs and getting sick from food among other fears cooralated to my anxiety disorder. Two days ago we bought ground beef from the store. Yesterday I was going to cook tacos with it but I couldn't. Why? Because I found a bug in the kitchen so I couldn't cook in there till it all was spotless. Today I had planned on trying to cook dinner again with the ground beef but I couldn't. Why? Because it had been in the fridge for two days. So I had to spend more money to buy more ground beef. Third attempt, new ground beef, couldn't do it. Why? This time when I opened the beef the inside was brown like it had been cooked. I have now thrown out $20 worth of food. I don't want to. I want to be able to eat anything anywhere no matter what. But I can't. Life isn't easy for me. The most basic thing like eating is a challenge. So here I am, hungry, frustrated, broke and sick of wasting money. This is my life. This is what I struggle with daily: OCD is no joking matter. #EndTheStigma Side note: I am VERY lucky to have my loving gf who tells me everything will be ok and goes through a million different options to find a solution. She's so patient and amazing. She even told me to smoke and take it easy while she goes to the store for me to figure out a new plan for dinner and then she's going to cook for me. I'm blessed to have found her.

#PRIDE

OK, people here it is. When you say things like #straightpride or #whitepride you look moronic. You're proud to be straight? Really? Of course you are! Because it is accepted EVERYWHERE! You're proud to be white? Why wouldnt you be? You get all the advantages you need. No one is going to not let you get the job because your white or because your straight. No one is going to give you death threats as you walk down the street minding your own business. No one has opressed you. No one has hated on you for 100's of years. So yes, we ALL know that you have it good and are proud to be who you are, which is fine. BUT #gaypride and #blackpride are reasons to REALLY be proud. We stand up and say how proud we are because we go out everyday with the fear of the world discrimnating against us just because we are different. Suffarage and determination has made us proud of things that other people arent. So, yes we may get offended when people who have had it so easy in comparison feel the need to rain on our pride parade.

obsessive compulsive disorder #1

"Mommy, are you mad at me?" I was 12 years old and that was probably the millionth time I had asked her that question in my life. Sometimes the responses were sweet and compassionate. "No sweetheart, why would I be?" other times she would just roll her eyes and tell me to stop asking that question or she WOULD get mad at me. But I couldnt stop. No matter where we were, what time of day it was or what we were doing, I had to ask. "Are you mad at me?" Why did I always feel the need to make sure my mom (or anyone I loved) wasnt upset with me? I have asked myself that question so many times in the past 22 years. Why cant you just stop caring if they are upset? Why? It's because I am terrified that if I dont ask, I'll know the answer. Yes. Yes everyone is mad at me. Yes. Yes everyone is upset with me. Yes. Yes everyone is going to leave me because of who I am. I ask if people are mad because why wouldnt they be? They have to live with a burden. A crazy person, a person who has someone else occupying their brain. How could anyone not be mad at me? how could anyone actually love me? these are the questions this person living in my brain asks. This person living in my brain makes me the person I dont want to be. I want to be a person who loves themself. But I cant because I suffer from an anxiety disorder called OCD.

Returning and this time I won't leave

Update on my life: I have been living in fl with my gf for almost 3 years. She's graduating college in less than a month and I own a dog sitting business. I'm happy. I'm more happy than I knew I could be. 

I'm back

I have really been slacking with my blog. Basically just wanted to fill everyone in on my life right now. I am currently living with my parents in WV but I am moving to FL at the end of the month to go to massage therapy school and live with my girlfriend. This decision to move has not made any one really happy other than my girl friend and myself. I thought I was going to go to college to be a journalist. Many factors led to me leaving college after one year. Gay bashing, my adhd, my anxiety, personal problems, and difficulty level. I do not regret one second of that year though. Through my first year of college I found myself as a person and a proud lesbian. I found friendships that will last a lifetime. I made memories. I found my true love. I had a year to explore everything that is out there. I liked what was out there. After another year of not living with my parents but also not going to school I realized how hard it is. But I still loved every moment of it. I had to make a plan. I wrecked my car and lost my job. Ever since my girlfriend moved to Florida in August I have felt like a piece of me is missing. The distance was tough and the only thing keeping me from true happiness. I had a few careers bouncing around in my head for months. The main two were Real estate agent or massage therapist. I decided I needed a career and that I would also continue my passion of writing on the side. There is a great school in FL for massage therapy. I made my mind up. And now I am just blindly following a road that I hope will end in happiness.

Truth is we were best friends, you were always confused, I knew what I wanted and that was you. Now you know but your not with me. This is something you might not even read.